Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
You Might Also Like
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business