Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
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Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
This anagram machine is out of order.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.