“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
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if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it