Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
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Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
incredible
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Damn he played himself
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Human are so complicated
Finally!
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL