God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
You Might Also Like
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that