I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
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I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”