Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
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ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
bout dat hot dog summer
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?