Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
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“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Good morning.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
God has left this place
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.