Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
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Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
they really do be looking like this
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
That de-escalated quickly
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.