Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
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Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.