if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
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“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
This classic never gets old . . .
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast