My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
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abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
yeah not falling for this one
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”