NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
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The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
the rocks need my help
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.