My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
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This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.