I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
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Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
A bold strategy
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
This kid will have a bright future.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car