Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
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cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.