My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
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[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
me when I see my crush
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced