“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
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Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.