Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
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I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Twitter is an abusement park.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
i hate you platonically
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
describing stardew valley
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.