Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
You Might Also Like
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die