*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
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Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
how was your vacation
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.