Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
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Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin