Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
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purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
can’t talk my ride’s here
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
this chia pet tastes awful
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.