I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
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I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Milk Cube
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I mean…but I did
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)