The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
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The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’