I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
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Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*