Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma