It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
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Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Customize Your Wedding.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog