A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
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me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
the clam before the storm
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.