[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
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I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
The pasta is now
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
You know I’m something of a chef myself
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.