You Might Also Like
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.