My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
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My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.