This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
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My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me