Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
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Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I need to get some bricks…
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.