This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
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No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.