Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
You Might Also Like
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
opening twitter today
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.