And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
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Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
as is their right
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
guys I’m going home
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.