Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
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A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.