this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
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[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again