The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
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The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it