COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
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let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered