*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
You Might Also Like
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.