Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
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Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
A French press is when you hug naked
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Kermit goes Blue.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.