They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
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Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Ooops wrong house😂😜
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?