[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
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I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I’m sure it’s fine.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’