The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
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There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.