Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
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It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Hmm, not sure about this change
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.