My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
You Might Also Like
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Just me and my debit card against the world
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
that lip filler tho
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??