them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
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Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Now, where’s the sport in that?
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[eulogy]
line?
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want