Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
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Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Hmmmmm